I’ve been on the phone with Commonwealth several times (each time with a woman) in the past couple weeks sewing up a loose account I opened while in Australia and I must assume that they put conscious effort into saying “goodbye” flirtatiously before hanging up. It’s like back in high school, when you’re saying goodnight to a girl you’ve just been nervously talking to for hours. All the awkward mistakes you made rush by you as you search for something smooth to say in parting. Instead, you only sputter out a string of consonants and gasps when, all of a sudden, you hear the most gentle siren song you’ve ever heard. “Goodbye” in that delicate, adorable little girl voice they like to put on. Oh my goodness. Hello clouds! It’s so strange to see you down here on the ground - Oh! My mistake. I’m floating!

Seriously. I just got off the phone (having closed my accounts) and I’m tingling. She just barely breathed the word. I knew it was coming because of my past exchanges. But bravo, madam. Sensational! I’m considering calling them again to open a new account and start the whole process over again.

Maybe I have a hot phone voice and they totally want me. I realize my phallic fortitude is often palpable. I didn’t know, however, that it transcended the technology barrier.

Australia totally rules. I’ll have to head back there again soon.

The Ocean also rule. Just listening to Precambrian again for the first time in a while… what a magnificently expressive force.

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To be fair, they’ve got an out. But that doesn’t excuse the fact that every chick on that show is doable to hot. And they all pretty much are killed eventually. At least the cylons. I guess that’s actually what I’m talking about. I’ve seen a couple human chicks die. But those cylons… damn do they get murdered.

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That’s right. I’ve deleted my account and washed my hands of it all. I’ve already blasted myspace here once. I couldn’t take it any longer

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As of today, if you Google “covered in pee”, my website comes up as the number one hit! I think I speak for everyone when I say “Congratulations, Jason!”. Really, I owe it all to the spiders.

I don’t show up on Yahoo! though (like it matters, Yahoo! doesn’t even have its own verb). Number one is the Pee-wee’s Playhouse Wikipedia page. Followed by frenchpee.com. Rounding out the top three is “Bukkake Pee - Sluts Covered in Cum And Drenched in Piss”. That doesn’t seem very polite.

Live Search what? Nevermind that.

Oh well. Can’t win ‘em all. But you can win one! Like I did!

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Think just a little about it and you’ll realize that those pompous anti-pot ads categorize all marijuana users based on the irresponsible actions of a few. Sound familiar? They claim that if you smoke marijuana, you’ll go nowhere in life, your friends will hate you and your younger siblings will follow your lead and break your parents’ hearts. Give it a rest. Something doesn’t smell right. I think it’s because they pulled this shit out of their asses.

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“Are you struggling to lose weight? Does it seem like, no matter what you do, you just can’t get rid of excess body fat?”

If yes, don’t feel bad. You’re in the majority. Everyone’s ballooned up nowadays. At least in America. It’s awesome. You don’t realize just how shockingly true that is until you leave the country and come back. Shit’s off the chain.

Luckily, I know the secret to losing the weight for good! The answer will probably not surprise you at all! Especially since I’m building it up so sarcastically! SUSPENSE!

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I realize this is trivial, but I’ve been wanting to vent this crapola for a while.

I’ve noticed a new trend in large-scale web development while traveling. I’ll use myspace as an example because it’s especially bad… at everything (like the Microsoft of social networking sites). I’m in Japan right now. Every time I go to myspace to sift through my 20 new friend requests - 19 of which are spam trying to get me to perv out on a web cam - to accept ONE legitimate request, (And I’m asked to log in. Another myspace peeve of mine. No matter how often or how hard I click that “Remember Me” check box, it NEVER REMEMBERS ME.) the page is sweater-vested in Japanese! I guess yeah, sure. Partly my fault for traveling to a foreign country and not knowing how to read their writing (in my defense, kanji is hard). But if they could figure out how to remember who I am, perhaps they could remember that I SPEAK ENGLISH.

Same thing goes for Australia, but to a lesser degree. Some companies (I believe Amazon is one of them) automatically forward you to your regional website. At least there it was all still in English. But really, Japanese myspace. You need to get your act together.

I need to delete my account.

PS: On the other hand, it’s hilarious to see a randomly generated “Find love in Yokohama!” ad with two pictures of white chicks. OWNED.

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