All dudes are covered in pee

I’ve done the math, and what I’ve decided is that more or less all dudes are covered in their own, and other dudes’ pee most of the time. How is that so? Reasonings:

1. The standard sit-down style toilet found in most homes is not ideal for standing urination. In the past few years I’ve attempted, in vain, to find a “g-spot” of the bowl - in theory, the one place which minimizes blunt contact such that there is no back-spray. In the center of the water? The “shore”? Back wall? Front? Side? Graze it off the rim? No. No. No. No. No. Oh god no. I haven’t been able to find it. What’s worse, all toilets are subtly different meaning that, even if you perfected one, it would probably only apply to THAT particular toilet which you use.

   The dangerous thing about back-sray is that you normally don’t feel it because you’re wearing pants. I guarantee that if you throw a germ light on a random dude, his shins will light up like the sun.

2. Alarmingly, in this day and age, I’d say about 40% of men don’t wash their hands after making wee. (maybe half that for poo… It’s bad, I know.) A plea to all guys who do this: YOUR JUNK IS DIRTY BECAUSE IT LIVES IN YOUR PANTS ALL DAY… WITH ITSELF.
3. Even if a guy is awesome and washes his hands, have you ever seen a men’s public bathroom? Especially in, say, a bar. I’d rather barf in a dumpster. Compound that with the fact that many restrooms have now switched to blow-driers instead of paper towels or complex cloth-diaper-looking systems. But most of the doors still open inward. Personally, I try to use the back of my hand, pinky, or grip on an awkward part of the handle that I figure no one ever touches. I know I’m lying to myself. Sometimes a dude comes in right when I’m finishing washing my hands, so I rush out before the door closes, hands still dripping wet.
4. Most guys stopped caring about pee a while ago. Get a little on your hands? Rub some dirt on it. Or do absolutely nothing to remedy it. “Fuck it.”

Disgusting. Think about this crap next time you shake a dude’s hand.